I have no idea what to say, except for the five words "I should have stopped him". I was afraid to stop him though. Hn, Yagyuu Hiroshi, such a coward.

If it weren't for the fact that I need Masaharu right now, I wouldn't be talking to him at all. Him willing to share me was really surprising though, considering how possessive he usually is. Doesn't matter though, since we got rejected anyway.

.....so much for not hurting him.

At least I have Masaharu. We'll have to run 100 laps every training next week, but I guess I deserve it.

mood: discontent

Happy birthday, Niou-kun. This is the first year in junior high that I won't be celebrating with you isn't it? I hope you enjoy yourself nonetheless.

I've left your gift in your locker, along with something that I think should be returned.

I love you.

I'd like to meet you.

Once again, happy birthday.

_{[ooc; In case anyone's interested, Yagyuu got Niou a dart set.]}

mood: nostalgic

Well, I've got my outfit for the party. And made some of the people at the store nosebleed, apparently. I'll be leaving myself in the hands of my sister in regard to accessories, hair and makeup.

Hmm, Niou-kun's birthday is coming soon. I can't help but think about his birthday last year, the first time I let him touch me. Quite sad really, that it all becomes just a memory this year. There's always twentieth April to look forward to though.

Bunta, I hope I didn't hurt you the other time. You seemed to be limping the next day. I didn't get a chance to talk to you because I was dragged around by my classmates doing some assignment. Hope you're not upset.

( Private )

( Private )


What you never know won't hurt you
What you never know won't lie
What you never know won't desert you
What you never know won't make you cry


In that case, I wish I never knew how he felt, never knew how he kissed, never knew his touch. Never knew him.

( Buta-chan )

mood: cynical

I wonder if it's possible to trust a person and yet doubt him at the same time. For someone who claims to trust me, he sure doubts me a lot. He always trust his eyes against my words. You know, things aren't always what they seem.

So easily broken, trust is, and yet people still have the courage to trust another. I for one, find myself unable to trust anyone. After all, if I can't even trust myself, there isn't much hope of me trusting others, is there?

I keep losing faith, and then regaining it. If that's the case, I'd rather throw it all away.

All this said, it's time to break away. My inablilty to read my own doubles partner is bringing the whole team down. Maybe if I stop looking at him with hope in my eyes I'd do better. Besides, I have someone waiting for me, and I don't want to make him sad.

I guess this is where it all ends.

mood: melancholy

I've finally gotten Buta-chan to stop avoiding me. I wish I could do more for him, because I can't offer him my heart yet. He really puts my welfare before his own. And in return I only bring him pain. I want to make him happy, but I fail at that horribly. I've made my most beloved hate me for all the pain I've brought him, and now I'm probably going to end up doing the same to Buta-chan.

....Bunta, tell me how to make you happy.

This aside, I went to visit Yukimura-san. I think Sanada-san might have hit his head while training in Kyoto and got sent back for recovery. He's.....not Sanada-san at all, but he's Sanada-san. A better way to explain would be Sanada-san had a personality change.

Not that I don't like this Sanada-san, but I'd rather have fukubuchou Sanada-san back. It's just strange to see him all laid back.

mood: blank

Haven't been in the best of moods these days. And I've been having trouble concentrating sometimes.

* * * * *
( Private )

* * * * *
( For: Marui Bunta )

Damn it, I never knew that giving up on something you love is so hard. But then, he doesn't care about me anymore, so it should be easier. Besides, it's for his own good. All I ever do is hurt him, and in turn myself.

Do my actions really not relay my words? I guess currently, there's no point thinking about it anymore.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

* * * * *
( Private )

Ever since that trip to the country club, MasahaNiou-kun seems to be avoiding me. Probably spending all his time in Tokyo with Akutsu-kun. And Yanagi-kun told me about Niou-kun going out with Akutagawa Jirou-kun from Hyotei as well. Maybe my worse fear has come true. In that case, I'll just hope for his happiness.

Yes, I realise that I sound like a jealous, insecure, bitter lover. I am, in fact, jealous, insecure and bitter, and also sad, because that's all I can be.

Maru-chan, thanks for listening to all my troubles. It seems that I'm always running to you whenever I have problems with Niou. I know you tried to make me feel better, but it seems that your words didn't reach me. I still think he's avoiding me.

* * * * *
( For: Niou Masaharu )

Maru-chan brought me to this cafe yesterday. The cake there is really good. I'd like to bring Masaharu down, but I was quite blind on the way since someone took my glasses away.

Speaking of which, Marui-kun, I do need my glasses back. Thanks for the gum and tokoroten, by the way. And I realised that you paid for my lube as well. I'll pay you back next time I see you.

I didn't see Masaharu today. Wonder where he went. I had wanted to ask him out, but I couldn't find him.

I'm having a craving for cheesecake. Guess I shall go bake myself some. I can bring some to Masaharu's later. It's a good excuse to see him.

Hn, spent the night over at Masaharu's after getting drunk. He seemed to be in a good mood when we woke up this morning though. Then again, I don't blame him, considering the position we woke up in.

Masaharu brought me out for a play and dinner last night, and we ran into Akutsu Jin. Somehow, I can't help being jealous. I was rather rude to Akutsu, considering it was me.

Anyway, thanks for the presents, everyone. For those who're interested, Yukimura-san and Sanada-san got me the entire Sherlock Holmes set, first print, Marui-kun got me an Oakley watch, Akaya-kun gave me a book, and Masaharu gave me an engraved platinum ring on a chain in addition to bringing me out.

Training with Yukimura-san was different, I guess. I actually find it funalright.

mood: content

I finally decided to get off the bed and do something after a few hours of lying around doing nothing. I just couldn't get back to sleep. I blame the kisses earlier.

Well, I'm fifteen today. Masaharu was the first to wish me happy birthday by waking me up at 12am. He was outside my house, that idiot. Really Masaharu, it's too cold to be doing that. I was really happy to see him though.

As for what he gave me, I'll update again later at the end of the day. Shall read my novels for now.

mood: happy

I had intended to give up, to walk away from it all. Yet it ends with us being just friends. Somehow, I feel that we're closer as friends.

Let's put it in the roller-coaster terms. Right now, we're both getting off the ride to fix the track in front of us, so that it won't be a rough ride anymore. We'll get back on someday, I hope.

* * * * *

( For: Niou Masaharu )

mood: content

I've decided on what to do. I only hope that I have the strength to carry it out.

"Think it through before coming to me," he said. Really, there wasn't anything to think about. I love him and want nothing more than to be his again.

I guess sometimes just love isn't enough.

mood: cold

I spent the night at Niou's place, though I left while he was still asleep. What we are now, I have no idea. Probably just doubles partners....

I managed to get myself a bloody fist and heatstroke. Wonder what happened to wanting to bury my feelings away. I ended up losing all sense of control when I see him.

Was I really such an insensitive lover? Maybe I should stop trying to get him to take me back, if all I do is plague him with insecurities. Unknowingly, I've been playing with him? Maybe I was. I don't know.

There are just too many things to think about that I want to stop thinking. All I want is his self-destructive habits to stop. I don't have the courage to want him anymore. All I do is hurt him.

mood: tired

On a silent night like this, I find myself having insomnia. One walk around the hospital, and I am still unable to fade into the sweet dark abyss.

It's probably because it's too cold that I can't sleep. The nurses refused to give me any more extra blankets, claiming that I'll end up overheating myself. They're right about that, but even with three blankets, I still feel cold.

Yes, I'm bored enough that I'd post about random things like these. Do ignore me.

* * *

( Private )

I wonder, if anyone has ever tasted the bitterness of betrayal, the kind of pain I wouldn't wish even upon my most hated.

I wonder, when was it that I stopped being wary, starting to forget the devil that lies beneath.

I wonder, why it had to be me, played like a lifeless doll.

I wonder, who was it who caused this pain, for I find myself unwanting to remember.

I wonder, how I had fallen so deeply, that I became blind to the dangers surrounding.

I wonder, how I'm going to make it through, and find the best solution.

And now I bury these bittersweet feelings deep, never to dig them up again.

* * *

( Private )

* * *

( For: Niou Masaharu, who probably would never read this. )

location: hospital mood: numb

Nakamura-san transferred out of Rikkai all of a sudden. She seemed quite terrifed to come near me too, the last I saw of her. I suspect that Masaharu has done something. Sometimes I really do wonder what to do with that possessive lover of mine.

I really should have a talk with him, but I'm worried about the possibility of us breaking up....again. Honestly, once is enough for me.

Masaharu took me out to watch a movie last week. Sadly, I don't remember anything about the movie. I was....occupied with other things.

That aside, Nakamura-san confessed to me today when I sent her home after our tutoring session, which was after tennis practice. Of course, I rejected her. After all, I don't want her to get murdered by my jealous lover.

What worries me is that a few girls from our school saw us kissing. I only hope Masaharu doesn't hear about it. I don't need this kind of trouble with him now, not when we've just made up.

mood: moody